Battles With Unworthiness

Most of my childhood, due to a number of circumstances I wrestled with my worth; at times it was paralyzing, other times it manifested as being annoyingly needy. I was outspoken, overly apologetic, uncertain, and I constantly sought attention from others. Those thoughts and off-putting behaviors would follow me throughout my youth and into pre-adulthood.

In 1999 I gave birth to my third child, my only daughter Kaiya. Since the day I met to Kaiya she has been accommodating, quiet, consistently helpful and sweet. So, to my surprise, in contrast to my outgoing, boisterous- attention-seeking personality, my daughter, who was my exact opposite, struggled with unworthiness too.

Kaiya is now 21 years old and we recently made a trip to the mall for a few new bras. No one I know enjoys shopping for a bra, however it wasn’t the inconvenience of shopping that was bothering her, it was the money I was about to spend on her and the time I would be investing shopping for her. Her current bras were about four years old and they typically have a life of about two years, so needless to say this trip was overdue. Once the purchase was made we returned home. Later that evening Kaiya came to me with tears in her eyes; saying, “I didn’t notice until just now that my old bra had been digging in to my side for the past year. I can see so many areas of my life where I’m willing to suffer for too long just so I don’t put anyone out.” This beautiful moment was a joy to witness; a young woman becoming aware and discovering how to be gentle with herself and decide on a new way of thinking.

Author and speaker Gary Zukav writes, “Unworthiness is the inmost frightening thought that you do not belong, no matter how much you want to belong.  That you are an outsider and will always be an outsider.  It is the idea that you are flawed and cannot be fixed.  It is wanting to be loved and feeling unlovable, or wanting to love and feeling that you are not capable of loving.  It is the feeling that no matter what you do, it is not enough, that you are incurably inadequate, intrinsically and permanently flawed.  It is the fear of people seeing you as you really are, the belief that if they did, they would not want anything to do with you. All this is the experience of unworthiness, and beneath all of this is the experience of powerlessness - of feeling powerless to be a real part of Life, to love, to be loved, to affect the world, to be heard, to be worth hearing or to have something worthy saying. It is self-loathing, self-hatred, and no matter how difficult this idea is to even consider, it will not leave you somewhere deep inside, and it is excruciating.  It is the most painful experience in the Earth school, and everyone shares it.”

The first step in recognizing unworthiness is to examine the thoughts you have about yourself. Ask, “Is this thought helping or hindering me with living the best life I possibly can?” Instead of searching outward to change our inner ideas about ourselves we must look inward to seek what’s true. The truth is we are all searching to belong, to have permission to take up space, and find peace. It’s my belief we have an obligation to know and understand ourselves deeply and to heal any place that feels tender, unseen and unimportant.

-Heidi

“I believe that owning our worthiness is the act of acknowledging that we are sacred. Perhaps embracing vulnerability is ultimately about the care and feeding of our spirits.” Brené Brown